I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
