Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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