I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
