I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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