Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
