Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
