id be glad to
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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