Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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