I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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