Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
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