You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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