awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
