nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
