I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
