is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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