Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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