just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
