What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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