so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
