Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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