I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
