my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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