I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
