His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
