there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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