im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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