Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
