What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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