I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
do herpes really smell.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Never underestimate the power of titties
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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