Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
whose parrot is this?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
