so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
