we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
