piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
