Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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