I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
They have beer where we have blood.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
