Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
