Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
