Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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