the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Mom said you looked used
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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