did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
