I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
