I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
