I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
