Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
