eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
