You smell like stripper and shame
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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