If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
