why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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