you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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