I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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