apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
