im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
